


The Wisdom of Others

by MeredithBrody



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Drabble Series, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-01
Updated: 2013-07-17
Packaged: 2017-12-16 17:48:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 12,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/864866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabble collection for Star Trek: Enterprise. Set to quotes from popular TV and film. (written for the Fanfiction Drabble Quote Challenge on Facebook) Prompt included in chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prompt 1

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter fits in with foreveranna's stories

_**“Remember what you said. When you start blaming yourself for things that weren’t your fault... there’s no coming back from that.” J.D. 'Scrubs'** _

She shook her head, the argument they'd been having for hours, quietly and around the kids. She had spent most of the night being asked some very unusual questions by little Elizabeth, who had decided that she wanted to be a starship captain now. The topic of the disagreement tonight was marriage, the one thing they hadn't argued about in years. "It was 8 years ago."

"We could have been as happy as they are." He said, hanging his dress uniform up in a corner of the room they been provided and looking through the connecting door to the camp beds where the three older children were all, finally, asleep.

"You mean we aren't now?" She asked, shaking her head a little in his direction. "We are happy, aren't we?" She was happy, at least. Sure she wished they got to spend more time alone together, time where they weren't expected to be in command, but that was the burden they'd both learnt to bear. It was part of what having a relationship in their situation meant.

"That's not what I meant. We could have been married, had kids." He leant over the small cradle that held the youngest of the four charges they'd been left with for the night.

"Why is everything tonight coming back to kids. You really want them?" This was a conversation she'd been avoiding. They'd tried once before, and that had ended in a disaster, and had no doubt been at least partly behind their first separation. She wasn't really sure if she'd ever be ready to put herself in for that again, and she was already 42 years old. Not to mention their careers made it almost impossible to even think about children, let alone put any thought into actually having one.

"Yes, yes I do."

"But Jon, we don't exactly have chance do we? We're all but married as it is. I love you, and I'm not sure how we'd manage kids."

"Don't you just want something this cute though." She shook her head as he held up the two month old, even she couldn't honestly resist something quite so tiny. Even though the thought of kids terrified her more than the thought of running into an armada of angry Romulans.

"Don't use the baby against me." She admonished, finally hanging her own uniform beside his and turning around as he put the baby down and came over to her, pulling her into his arms and kissing her gently on the neck before speaking.

"Erika, you will have beautiful kids, and I would love for them to be with me. After the war, think about it. Please."

"I'll think about it." She smiled, and that was it. She couldn't come back from this, because even that was close enough to a yes for Jonathan. He would take that and he'd run with it. Maybe by then she'd be ready.


	2. Prompt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one set around 2164.

_**“That’s what’s important, isn’t it. He was wrong and you were right, and while you were arguing about it the little girl died.”** _ **Abby, 'ER'**

He couldn't seem to stop himself. This was his fault, all his fault. Serena being in this situation was down to him, and no matter what he wasn't going to let himself forget that. He paced the corridor muttering to himself, and he didn't realise how loud he was getting until he heard Erika's voice snapping him back to reality. "Stop it, Jonathan. Just stop it."

"I can't just-" He started, at which point his wife stood up and put her finger on his lip, shaking her head as she did.

"You need to. We don't have any say in this."

He felt his walls threatening to break under her gaze, but he couldn't, he needed to make sure Serena was alright first. "Rike, that's our little girl." He muttered, his hand on the glass the separated them from the hospital room and the medics who were working on her.

"I know, Jon. I know." He turned again and saw the pain in Erika's face. He reached out for her, glad when she came and stood beside him, allowing him to wrap his arm around her. "She's been through worse, she'll make it through this."

"How can you be so sure."

"Because she's just like you, and you've made it through worse." The confidence in her voice raised his for all of a minute before he started thinking about the argument he'd been having only a few hours earlier, arguing that Serena hadn't been herself, and that she needed to be watched carefully. Now here they were.

"I knew I was right." He muttered, earning a punch on the arm from her.

"Because that's what's important, isn't it? You were right, he was wrong, and in the meantime Serena was almost dying between you. Is that what you want to focus on, because I won't. You can hate yourself, or him, but I can't hate either of you because you both wanted to do what was best for her."

"If you'd been there Rike-" He started, and he knew, somehow, that had Erika been there, no argument would have happened. She would have known something was wrong with Serena and they would have gotten her seen faster.

"Stop it, Jon. Stop blaming yourself. She's here, and she's fighting. We need to stay strong for her." Erika's voice told him that was the end of the conversation, she wasn't going to go into it any further until they could hold their little girl again. There weren't many times in his life he'd prayed for a miracle, but this was one of them. And he would keep praying, right up until he knew how this was going to end.


	3. Prompt 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is, probably, 2166 (I need to keep better notes)

_**"When the people around you are all one way, and you’re not... You can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with you."** _ **B’Elanna Torres ‘Voyager’**

He'd never seen his daughter looking quite so dejected and upset. One look at Erika told him that this wasn't a new development. How much else had he missed in his months away. He knelt down in front of her, lifting her chin gently so he could look at her. "What's bothering my girl today?"

She dropped her crutches to the side of her and kicked them away as best she could. "I wish I was better."

"You're perfect, Rena." He smiled then pulled her into a hug. After a minute she sat back on the chair and shook her head, the sadness and pain he saw in her making him doubt that there was anything he could do to cheer her up.

"No I'm not. I can't do the things like the other kids." She muttered, looking down at her feet. He moved a little closer to the chair, standing her crutches up beside them.

"I know." He admitted, and she leant forward, putting her hands on his cheeks. After she looked at him a minute she asked one of the most difficult questions he'd ever heard.

"Why can't I daddy?" The innocence in those four words reminded him again that he needed to have answers. He looked up to see Erika stood in the doorway, just watching the scene in front of her.

He thought for a few minutes about how best to explain to Serena that there wasn't anything wrong with her. She was just different to most of the others her age because of something that happened at her birth. He knew that one day she would understand that, but for now she just needed to know that she wasn't alone. "Because you're special, you've been given a different gift. One like aunt Mel."

 "But I don't want to be special, daddy. I want to be like everybody else." She shuffled herself forward on the chair and patted his cheeks again in the way she'd done since she was little. "Did you and mommy ask for a special baby when you had me?"

"Of course we did, and we got you, and you couldn't be more special to us." He said, honestly, and at the smile that spread across her face he hoped he'd reassured her just a little.

"I love you daddy." She grinned as she threw her arms around his neck for a minute. He helped her off the chair and handed her her crutches before stroking her hair gently.

"I love you too Rena. Why don't you go and do your homework and I'll come and help in a minute."

"OK. Hi mommy." He watched as she went off towards the table in the kitchen. All he could do was stand up and gather himself for a moment. He felt Erika's hand on his back as he squeezed his eyes shut. Every word was true, but he was emotionally drained by the experience. He suddenly appreciated what Erika did all the more.


	4. Promp 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set during "Home"

_**"We stock up on our glories, keep ‘em treasured - right here, in the hope that one day when we're old they'll keep us going, because they are our lives. If we lose our talents, we are dead men. You're gonna look back on today, it's gonna be one of your treasures, because we are gonna hold on, no matter what they throw at us. We don't die today gentlemen. We go out there and we live forever."** _ **Jaws ‘Dream Team’**

There was one thing that kept him going after all this, and that was that he still had good he could do, or at least he thought he did, and Erika certainly thought he did. It didn't seem to matter to her that he had done terrible things, truly terrible things that would probably earn him a place in a special level of hell. To her, he was still Jonathan.

To her, he was still the pilot that took her home when her father died, who sat next to her in the command centre for more than half of the NX tests. He was the guy she drank beers with at 4pm and laughed with at 4am. He was the man she'd been in love with, and it appeared that nothing he said or did was actually going to change that.

Was she honestly looking past everything he'd done just to make him feel better, or did she truly believe that he was the same person who had left her four years earlier. He couldn't even remember the person he'd been back then, other than that he'd been an explorer, he'd had his faith in the inherent 'goodness' of all there was in the universe.

He had done good things too. They were what she was reminding him of, the first contacts he'd made, the friends he had brought to Earth. Everything else that he had done, including saving Earth. It seemed that she was determined to remind him that he hadn't died. He hadn't given up and surrendered when lesser men may have done. The last thing he wanted to be reminded of right now was his place in history. A place he had never deserved.

There was certainly a truth to her words, and maybe she was right, maybe one day he would look back on this climbing trip as being a treasure, being something that he could hold on to and tell stories of when he was older. Maybe it would be, if it was it would be because of her. Because she had taken the time to believe in him and trust him, on top of that she had loved him regardless of his sins and misdemeanours. If all the good that came from this trip was that she was back in his life for good it would be one win he could hold on to. One thing that he could be proud of. She was something he was proud of, because she believed in him against all the odds.


	5. Prompt 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set just before "Home"

_**“I took an oath to preserve this crew from grave and desperate circumstances, and in that duty I have singularly failed.”** _ **Francis Kelley ‘The Deep’**

Asking Trip's opinion on what he should say in the 'Welcome Home' speech was probably not the best idea, but he didn't know who else to ask, who else would allow him to express the issues he had with what he'd done. It wasn't that he didn't think he'd done the right thing, he knew he had, but he was certain that there were other thing that should be focused on. "What am I supposed to say Trip. Agree with the press about how I'm a hero, about how I saved humanity alone?"

"What else would you say?"

"I don't know, something about the officers who we didn't bring home. I can't just forget what happened out there." He stood up again, pacing along the foot of his bed. His mind worked overtime as he thought about the last few months. "I failed in my duty as a captain. I took an oath, and I broke it."

"I don't think anyone expects you to forget." Trip shook his head as he leant forward, clearly trying to remind him that they had done some good out that. "You didn't break it, you brought Enterprise home, and most of us with her."

"Oh the press and the public don't want to know the realities of what we've done over the last 8 months Trip." He shook his head, the anger building up again in his chest. He couldn't shake the anger and sadness he felt towards almost everyone. Had they saved an Earth that he wasn't certain he still had a place in? All he knew was the average person only thought of him as some hero sent to save them all, and he couldn't live up to the hype. "They just want to think of me as some kind of hero, all of us as heroes."

"Depending on your definition of heroes, we kind of fit the bill." Trip shrugged as he spoke.

"Who's side are you on anyway?" He asked, finding himself more and more annoyed by Trip's perky optimistic outlook right now than when he'd been a cynical bastard a few months earlier.

"The side of not getting my ass busted back to crewman."

"OK. I walked into that one." He chuckled just a little, appreciating again Trip's penchant for humour in awkward situations. It certainly made things easier.

"Seriously, maybe you should just say something about how the real heroes are the ones who didn't come home. They are the ones we owe our lives too after all."

"You're right, good idea. Thanks Trip." He nodded, trying to believe what Trip was telling him, but the simple fact was that he had failed those 27 crewmen who had died in the expanse, he had sworn to bring them home, and he hadn't, in most cases he hadn't even come close to bringing them home. He would remember their names for the rest of his life, and he'd try and honour them in his own little way.


	6. Prompt 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set in late 2160

_**"We’re at this place in our lives, we’ve come all this way, and I got nothing to show for it.” Terry ‘Men of a Certain Age'** _

What did she really have, even after all these years there was no tangible proof of what she’d done. Sure she had her name on the war reports and in and out of the press. Sure she had that extra pip on her collar. Nothing else. They were deeds, nothing more. Sometimes she wished she had something more tangible.

Maybe the recent calm in the wake of the war was leading her to rethink a lot of her choices over the last few years. She couldn’t honestly say she regretted anything, but she was sorry that she had put her career first so many times. Now she was 45 years old, and wondering if maybe she’d been better off married with kids. The plan she’d once had.

“What are you thinking?” She was jolted from her reverie by Jonathan’s question and she leant back far enough that she could see his face. She kissed him gently before she settled again, hoping that she could make sense of the thoughts in her mind.

“I don’t know.”

“Rike?”

“I was wondering what it would be like if we had a family.” She simplified it, hoping he wouldn’t press her for details.  

“Is that what you want?” He asked, sitting up and looking at her. He had things to show for his experiences.

“I think so. I know that I love you and that I want something more now that the war's over. I think the war took it all out of me. I don’t have the energy to explore, I don’t want to be away from home, I don’t want to lose another officer and friend to enemies who are just in it to gain space.”

“Don’t you think you’re being a little cynical?”

“I’m just done, Jonathan. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Erika. We’ll figure it out, I promise you that. Anything you want we’ll do.” He kissed the top of her head with a smile, then wrapped his arms around her and settled back against the headboard. She knew that he was right, and between the two of them, they’d do something to help her feel better about all of this, and maybe then she’d have something to show.


	7. Prompt 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set in early 2161

_**"There's some good in this world and it's worth fighting for"** _ **Samwise Gamgee 'The Lord of the Rings'**

She swatted his hand away as it once again slid up her side. She had to bite her lip so as to not give him any more incentive to keep tickling her sides. "Don't tickle me."

"Why not?" He muttered, sliding his hands up again, she shuddered just a little before swatting at his hands again.

"Because I don't like it."

"I can make it worthwhile." He whispered in her ear, this time settling his hands on her stomach. She relaxed against him, enjoying the last few rays of the late afternoon sunshine, dreading having to break from this very comfortable embrace they'd been sat in most of the day. Days like this were so rare for people in their lines of work, and maybe they were rare for others. She didn't really know if anyone else got to sit like this.

"Do you ever wonder if there are people all over the world doing something like this, Jon?" She asked him after thinking about it, wondering what he'd think. Considering how cynical he'd once been, she didn't know where his thoughts would be on the matter. He sighed against her neck, and she braced herself for the worst when she heard the least expected words in her life.

"I hope so."

"Hope?" She prompted, hoping that they had turned a corner.

"After all the troubles, the Xindi, Terra Prime, the Romulans..." He trailed off, kissing her shoulder again lightly before holding her a little tighter. "After all that I have to hope that love is the universal thing that sees us through."

"Did the sentimentality come with your new rank?" She teased, threading her fingers through his and thinking about anyone else who might be enjoying a similar moment to them right now. Just sitting and spending time with a loved one. Someone without whom life wouldn't really be worth continuing with, because you would miss them.

"I'm trying to get a little deep with you here." He muttered, his breath tickling her shoulder lightly as he did. For some reason that reminded her that this wouldn't last forever, she would need to leave, and so would he.

"I leave tomorrow, back out with _Columbia_ fighting the good fight."

"Come home soon." The three simplest words said for the night were the ones that gave her the most things to think about. She didn't even want to leave, let alone have to think about coming home.

"As soon as Starfleet will allow me. I love you, Jonathan." She whispered, squeezing his hand.

"I love you too," he kissed her neck and breathed gently against her ear before he added the end of his sentence, "Mrs. Archer." She pulled back from him again and smiled, turning so that she could kiss him properly. They were married. After all the disappointments, broken promises and losses of the war, they were finally married, and that meant this time she had something worth fighting for.


	8. Prompt 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set during "Home"

_**"You may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone’s face. But there’s always a third option, you can just let it go. And only when you’ve done that is it really gone and you can move forward.”** _ **Ted Mosby ‘How I Met Your Mother’**

He had been told once that he carried too much anger inside him. That didn't surprise him. He had never really let go of anything. It wasn't that he didn't want to forgive and forget, but just that he held onto it. There was too much for him to think about to just forgive.

He was angry at everything it seemed. He was angry at the Vulcans for holding them back, he was angry at Starfleet for allowing them. He was angry at the Xindi for attacking Earth, he was angry at the Suliban, the Andorians and almost everyone else who hadn't really helped his mission. He was angry at the crew who hadn't made it home, he was angry with Erika for trying to convince him that he'd done everything he could have done, but most of all, he was angry with himself because he hadn't been able to change anything.

The worst thing was he knew that Erika didn't deserve his anger. Most of the people he was angry with didn't deserve it. His self-loathing was just transitioning to others so he didn't have to face the things he didn't want too. He didn't have to think about all the decisions he could have changed that would have brought more of his crew home. The decisions he could have changed so he could look at himself in the mirror again.

Erika had told him earlier that she wanted to help him find whatever he'd lost, but he wasn't sure if it was something he'd ever be able to find, because he had lost his innocence. He'd lost so much that he didn't know how to get it back. He looked at her and saw what he'd been before. The man who had wanted the best for his planet and his friends. The man she had initially fallen in love with. She had made it clear that she still saw that man within him. How she did he didn't know, but her company had ended up being more comforting than expected.

He laid with her nestled against him, and he enjoyed having her weight there. It was a tangible reminder of what he did still have. Sure, he was still angry, but maybe that was the problem. Could he really move on if he was still angry with so many people and about so many things. If Erika could hear all of his sins, see him at his very worst, and still love him, still believe that he was worth it in the long run, why was he holding himself to a higher standard?

It was time to let go of everything, all the anger and bitterness he had built up. All the problems that came with those would fade away with that. He kissed Erika's cheek gently, feeling her shift gently against him. He whispered his thanks in her ear, wanting her to know exactly how she had helped him, in so many more ways than just one.


	9. Prompt 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, set during "Home" (I think the next 30 or so are)

_**“If you had never visited us, never chosen this place on a whim. Would anybody here have died?”** _ **Joan Redfern, Doctor Who**

There was only so much optimism he could take right now, and Erika was pushing all his buttons. The problem was that a year or so earlier he'd have been as happy and excited as she was about getting out into the great unknown. But she didn't understand, she couldn't understand, the issues and the pains that had been caused by their desire to explore. There was only one example he could use to try and show her that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. "We almost lost Earth."

" _Enterprise_ saved Earth." She countered, and he heard the unspoken words. ' _You saved Earth_ '. He didn't though, not really. He just stopped one evil thing happening by carrying out his own evil.

"If we weren't out there stirring up trouble 7 million people might still be alive."

"You weren't stirring up trouble you were exploring." Her inflection was one of a patient schoolteacher telling a student that they hadn't done anything wrong, and they didn't need to defend themselves for no good reason.

"I'm not sure there's much of a difference." That was it, was there really a difference between them. Exploration was rarely as straightforward as it appeared to be, and 9 times out of 10 the species that were met were hostile. He didn't even need to only look at the Expanse for that, but also at more than half the species he'd met before then.

"What do you suggest, put our starships' in mothballs?" Erika's tone was incredulous, and he didn't know if she thought he'd lost his mind or if she was genuinely suggesting that that would be the only conclusion to his thoughts. She couldn't have been more wrong.

"No, we need them. But look at the Vulcans. They aren't explorers, they keep their ships close to home."

"That's not the mission either one of us signed up for." She looked at him with an almost pleading look, as if she was begging him to look through himself and see the man he'd been a few years earlier. That man was gone now, though, and it was better that he show her that than pretend things would go back to the way they'd always been.

"Maybe you'll feel differently after you've delivered a few dozen eulogies." Yes, maybe he was being unfair, and maybe he should remind himself of the better times, all the good he had done since gaining command of _Enterprise_. God knew Erika was trying to convince him of that. But had they stayed close to home, had they heeded the Vulcan's warning, would all those people have died. Would there have needed to be the mission he had just returned from, and would he have a need to be telling Erika that it wasn't as simple as she wanted it to be out there. She'd learn soon enough, but until then he'd have to help prepare her, because otherwise she'd be lost too, and that would be a shame.


	10. Prompt 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, set during "Home"

_**"There’s always a choice between what is right and what is easy.”** _ **Dumbledore, Harry Potter**

"You really think any of this was easy?" The look Jonathan gave her made her freeze in her thoughts. Maybe that had been the wrong thing to say, but it didn't matter. He thought that staying on Earth had been the easy thing. He hadn't sat through the riots, or any of the other issues that had started since the Xindi attack.

"I don't know anymore Erika. I really don't. It can't have been easy here, but at least you knew you did the right thing."

She studied him for a moment and she knew that there was a problem in his mind. She wasn't sure if he really thought he hadn't done the right things. He'd always done what he believed was right. "You've done the right thing, you've always done the right thing. As long as I've known you, you did the right thing. I'm sure they'll find that at the debriefing." She tried to cheer him up, she gently rubbed his arm, hoping that worked. 

"What if they don't?"

She shook her head again, he was so determined he'd done something wrong. That Starfleet would find something he did in the expanse wrong and that he would, probably, have to learn to live with that, but she'd read all the reports, and nothing had seemed unfair or outwardly wrong to her. "It's not a trial, Jonathan, it's a debriefing, and it's going to remain classified." She smiled, sliding off the stool she'd climbed on and stopping directly in front of him. "I should go, early start."

"I'll walk you home,  you still living on Wood?" He asked, and she just shook her head, while she knew that there was nothing wrong, she also knew he needed a clear head for the morning, and however she tried to restrain herself, she wasn't sure if she could with him alone. Not right now at least when he was so vulnerable. She wanted to look after him, and she knew that was probably not one of the best ideas she'd ever had.

"Yes. You don't have to though."

"Want me to pick you up in the morning?"

"I've got a meeting before the debrief, I'll see you there, Jon. I'll be fine."

"I'll see you tomorrow then." She leant forward and kissed his cheek gently before walking away, saying goodbye to the friends she'd been with before she'd seen Jonathan. His annoyance at himself made her think about what she'd read in his reports. Would she have thought about it the same as he did, would she have made the same decisions he did, and would she have given the same orders he had. She wasn't certain, but she trusted him. Maybe what he had done wasn't the right thing, but it certainly hadn't been the easy thing either.


	11. Prompt 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set in the Destiny timeline, roughly June 2159.

**"One day I shall come back. Yes I shall come back. Until then there can be no fears, no regrets, no anxieties. Just move forward in all your beliefs and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine.” _First Doctor ‘Doctor Who’_**

He held the isolinear chip between his fingers, staring at it. He had been given this almost 3 years earlier, the first time he'd been back to Earth after _Columbia_ had gone missing. He hadn't watched it, not wanting to know what Erika's last words to him were going to be. Now her will had been executed and she was officially declared killed in action, he no longer had a reason not to watch it.

Her face filled the screen a second after he pushed the chip into its slot, her face clearly showing her vital and alive, exactly as she'd been the last night they'd spent together, looking at the time stamp she had made the recording only earlier that day. He would always remember it, because he couldn't forget. " _So, you're seeing this. Guess that means something happened. I'm sorry, and Jon, if there is anyone else with you save this for later, it's classified_." He watched as her face split into a smile, one he could never see again, and his heart clenched again.

" _I guess something on_ Columbia _went wrong, or some catastrophic situation happened. We always knew it could right? I really don't know what I should say here, I don't want to use this as a goodbye because it isn't goodbye. We will meet again, I'm sure of that. Somehow, you and I have always been drawn together. There are a few things you can promise me though. Don't be afraid to make the hard choices, and don't regret the ones you've already made. I've always known you were right, and I often trusted your judgement far beyond my own._ " He watched as she took a deep breath on the screen and wiped her eyes. He didn't even try to wipe his, because any tears he did wipe away would just fall again a moment later.

Once it was clear she'd composed herself she carried on, but Jon wasn't sure he was able to continue. He blinked again and wished he could reach out and pull her through the screen to him. " _I love you, Jonathan. I always have, since the day we met. Remember, in the hangar the first day of the Warp 5 project. You were such a bad flirt, but I thought you were cute. Every day I have spent with you since has been perfect. Please, don't forget me, love you._ "

With that the screen went dark, and Jonathan found himself holding one of her shirts, forgetting completely what he was supposed to have been doing, just staring at the darkened screen and wondering where it had all gone so wrong and how he had lost the one person who had mattered most in his adult life. She was gone now, her ship missing and presumed destroyed. It was all he could do not to wish he'd been with her, at least that way he wouldn't have to learn to live without her.


	12. Prompt 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is set around 2155.

**“I tried to convince myself the reason I didn’t come earlier was because of you coming in to work drunk, but that’s not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that’ll help me out in any situation I’m in. I needed that.” _J.D. ‘Scrubs’_**

He'd never seen her in quite the same light as he did right now. Coping was one thing, this was something else entirely, and he should have seen through her earlier.

She wasn't coping, that was a lie she'd told him, probably told herself too, and even after all these years of their friendship and relationship, he still thought of her as unflappable. He still thought that she was always going to be the one to save him, but now, he needed to save her.

All the years, all the times she had come to his rescue, when she had been there by his side as he had put the world to rights, yet when she needed him he wasn't there for her, because he had been too locked inside his own mind, his own unrealistic expectations of her to be better than him in any given situation.

He'd never lived through what she'd gone through, he'd never had to face the horrors she'd faced only months earlier, yet he'd still expected her to bounce back, he'd expected her to become something that was impossible, he'd expected her to be invincible.

The focus needed to shift, and he needed to think about what she needed, what she wanted. He needed to be the one who was there for her, who held her through the pain and suffering and all the terrible things that he didn't want to have to think about. The door was open, and he could hear her tears through it, he could almost feel the pain as it radiated off her. He was done watching, he knew what he needed to do, and his fear faded the longer he looked at her.

"Hey, hey, I've got you." He muttered the moment he had wrapped her into his arms and felt her grasp him with a similar intensity. The longer he sat there, listening to her repeat her sins, listening to her try to make sense of a world that she had long since stopped believing in. It was painful to hear her break herself down, but he knew that once she'd done that she could start rebuilding herself, and maybe that way she would be able to move on, and to recover from this ordeal. Maybe then they could both move on, and the future would suddenly brighten again.


	13. Prompt 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set in "Home"

**"I thought that all the risks would be worth it, because just beyond the next planet, just beyond the next star... there would be something magnificent, something noble. And now he is dead, and I have to make a speech about how worthwhile it's all been." _Jonathan Archer ‘Enterprise’_**

They were sat together on the couch as he relived the last few months again and again. Every minute accounted for in his minds' eye and not one thing telling him for certain what he should do. He had spoken about how space wasn't what he expected, and she had been surprisingly quiet as she thought about his words. "What did you think?" She asked pointedly.

"I don't know, that it would be worth it." Even after two days of talking it out on the mountain and he still wasn't convinced. Returning to San Francisco had reminded him of all his doubts and worries. All it had taken was one phone call and Erika had been there again, ready to listen to him hash everything out, again.

"You mean it wasn't?" She knew the right questions, and she also knew when to call him out. He needed that, he needed to be sure he was doing the right thing. Whatever he chose to do. 

"I don't know." His own indecisiveness was his undoing, what was he supposed to say, how was he supposed to act. Did it even really matter.

"You're saying that a lot."

"Because there is a lot I don't know, and telling Starfleet that we need to go back to exploring when I'm still not sure that's the right thing to do is hard." He shook his head, how could they continue to go out there and try to make peace with people who didn't want peace. He'd been into battle far too many times in his short tenure as a Captain, and he had hated the fallout every time.

"Would you honestly be content staying in our tiny corner of the galaxy?"

"When you put it that way." He grinned and kissed her. She had a point, would he really ever be content to sit in the 40 light years of space that made up Earth's sphere of influence? He didn't think so, and he knew that she wouldn't believe him if he'd said he could.

"Jonathan, you will tell Starfleet exactly what really matters, what really happened, and then you'll give the right advice, then in 3 months I'll be out there, and always in comm range whenever you need me." Her words reminded him again that in a few weeks her own journey, her own story, would begin, and it would mean he wasn't alone.

"If this mission was good for anything, it was for this." He whispered, gently pulling her into him. If all he had needed was Erika's outlook, reminding him of the hope and joy he'd had a few years earlier. She had reminded him of the good that there still was in the galaxy, and all the good there was left in his life. She was right, everything he'd done was worth it, he just needed to be reminded from time to time, and he hoped she'd always be there to do so.


	14. Prompt 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set in mid 2161.

**“We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces." _Meredith ‘Grey's Anatomy’_**

"Are you scared?" The voice surprised him a little, as he'd thought she was already asleep, and he'd just been laid thinking about the news they'd got that morning, what were they really going to be, were they really going to be able to do this.

"No." He muttered, kissing the top of her head. Once she looked up he knew that she'd just been thinking about the same things he had, were they too old for this? Were they too jaded and broken to do this magical thing they'd been blessed with.

"Are you lying?" She asked again a second later, and of course he was. He felt the need to deny, to live in denial, probably until he had to face the reality. He wasn't sure if he knew how to face reality in this, but she would make him, that was what she always did.

"Maybe a little. I kind of think we have to in this situation."

"You mean the future or the fact that we're having a baby?" Maybe that was the obvious question again, but it was a valid question, and one had had to think about, he'd only been an Admiral a month, and now they were having a baby. Something they'd both thought they were past, even when they'd wanted it.

"Both?"

"Really?" The sound of surprise in her voice made him look at her again, and he wondered if the same questions were on her mind.

"We probably shouldn't be, we survived the war, we've survived everything else that's been thrown at us, we're finally happy, or that's probably going to be a lie as well and we're just going to lose everything."

"That's a little morbid, isn't it."

"Erika, come on." He shook his head, she sometimes spent too much time looking on the bright side, and this time he just wanted to be afraid and to be worried for a while.

"I can't deny that in the past things haven't always gone smoothly for us,  but let's not be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Focus on the excitement, with just a little bit of fear."

"I'll follow your lead then, you're always better at seeing the truth than me." He had never uttered truer words. She had always been the one who pushed him to the boundaries of comfort and probably in this situation that was what he needed. While he wanted to worry, he couldn't really change what was going to happen in a few months. Maybe he should be excited, rather than focusing on the negative things, because this was something that he had always wanted, and he should stop trying to deny his happiness.


	15. Prompt 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another "Home" drabble. Set just after.

**“When I let a day go by without talking to you. That day is just no good.” _Barney Stinson ‘How I Met Your Mother’_**

He wasn't sure what it was about her, what it was about them now. He'd only been back in space for three days, but he hadn't spoken to her and it was beginning to weigh on him. It was funny, they hadn't spoken for almost 4 years, but after what had happened while they were climbing they had gone right back to what they'd been 4 years earlier. Now that there was a chance for them again, he found himself wanting to see her face every day.

They had left a lot up in the air when _Enterprise_ had left for her assignment, but he had known that he hadn't wanted to let go of Erika again. He had let her go once and he wasn't planning on doing it again. Not when she was the only person who could get through to him when he was being a "stubborn idiot". The love they had shared had been reignited, and he wasn't sure he knew how to go without it.

He knew that it was easy enough for him to get in contact with her, to speak to her about whatever it was that he wanted her for, but he was never sure about doing it. One of his failings was always that he was sure she wouldn't want to speak to him, she had made it obvious that he could call her whenever he wanted, and that she'd actually welcome that. He'd held off for three days, but now he wasn't sure if he could cope another day. He put the call through to the bridge, and a few minutes later Erika's concerned face was there on his screen.

"Jon?" She asked, her concern even more obvious in her voice. He instead smiled at her, wishing they were closer for a second. She gave him a questioning look before speaking again. "Is there a reason you called?"

"I just wanted to say hey." He just continued smiling, studying her face for a moment, and feeling like that sappiest man in the universe, but he had gone 4 years without this, 4 years he regretted being without her support. If now he could call her just to say hey, he would do it at every opportunity.

"You did that." She laughed, and he wondered if she was as relieved as he was just to speak to him. "I'm glad you called Jon." She said a minute later, seeming to read his mind. He laughed, asking her about how _Columbia_ 's system integration was coming along, and the two of them spoke about mutual friends, good memories, just reconnecting on yet another level. Something else they'd needed to do. If he could, he would speak to her every day from that day on, just to ask her how she was.


	16. Prompt 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set in about 2164

**“You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: Couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.” _Perry Cox ‘Scrubs’_**

She shook her head, knowing that this wasn't over, but the fact they were in the middle of a corridor with Hoshi stood at her shoulder cut off any argument they would have now. She held a hand up and stopped him. "I'll see you when I get home, and we'll sort it out."

"Don't be too late Rike." He leant forward and gave her a light kiss before turning and walking away. She turned to Hoshi and shrugged.

"Why can't things be so easy for every couple?" Her friend asked, clearly thinking about her own relationship.

"What do you mean?"

"It doesn't seem to matter what situation you're in, you and Jon just work through it. Like, 5 minutes ago you were about ready to kill each other and now you're just, calm and composed?"

"Oh, I'm fuming, and by the time I get home tonight I expect him to have put Serena to bed so that we can have an argument then, more than likely, angry make-up sex. That's just the way we work." She smiled, hoping that Hoshi understood what she meant. It wasn't easy, but it was what they had to do.

"How do you even do that? When I fight with Trip we generally don't talk for days, I can't imagine just getting over it."

"The simple thing is, when you love someone, and you've had as long to know each other as Jon and I have... The details don't matter. You don't agree on everything, you can't, but you also know that in the long run taking a break and a breath and letting it go for a while is best. Because when the time is right one of you will stand up and say that they were wrong, and they will be able to let it go. For me, Jonathan is worth being wrong for, and I hate being wrong."

She smiled, shrugging as she looked down at the simple white gold band that had been her proof of their bond for the last 5 years, not that she'd ever really needed one, and thought about why he was worth it. "We've been friends for 25 years now, more than half my life, and in a relationship on and off that whole time, we've got Serena who was a miracle I never thought we'd get. Believe me, it gets easier to just let things go. It's how you know you're meant to be together. No matter what crap gets thrown at you, you just let it go because you're better with that other person." That was the honest truth. He made her a better person, and together they had plenty going for them. Thinking more about the situation made her even more anxious to get out of the meeting and get home, even if there was going to be a disagreement coming, and she knew there was, she would still rather be at home, fighting with him, than anywhere else in the universe.


	17. Prompt 16(a)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is during "Home"

**“You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: Couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.” _Perry Cox ‘Scrubs’_**

The night before had proven something, hadn't it. It had proven that he could still love someone, and it had proven that the love they as a couple had shared for all these years was still as strong as it had ever been. He genuinely was glad she'd come, and he was happy that she could see him now, happier than he'd felt in a long too. "You know, there's still something I'm not quite clear about."

"What's that?"

"Why did we stop seeing each other?" That was the killer question. There were a million reasons, really, but only one as to why they didn't try harder. Starfleet had come first, as it always had throughout their relationship, and their career. He didn't need to go into the other reasons, because had the over-arching one not mattered, they would have been able to work through the rest.

"I was your superior officer, it wasn't appropriate."

"You're not my superior anymore." That was all he really needed to know. She still loved him, and if they were lucky they could try and make a go of it. There weren't many things in his life he truly regretted, but letting her go had been one of them. He'd never really gotten over it, but now he had the chance to start all over again.


	18. Prompt 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set shortly after "Home"

**“Only the good die young.” _Arnold Judas Rimmer, Red Dwarf_**

It was over in a minute and now there was a truth that he had to face. The only name, the only face, he could put to the tragedy even almost a year later was one he'd never thought he'd have to face. Maybe thinking about Elizabeth was making it too personal. That was something that Erika had said at least, and even if she hadn't he would probably have figured that out before too long.

She had been so young. He remembered first meeting her once when she'd visited Trip at the project, long before Enterprise. She'd been all of 17, and Trip had joked that she had a crush on him. He had laughed at that, but he remembered that day. He'd remembered a few things since he'd made her his face of what he was doing.

He'd seen Trip's emotional collapse in the wake of the tragedy, and he'd seen how everyone on Earth had changed in the 9 months they'd been in the Expanse. He'd listened to Erika's details about the riots, and the problems. About the marriages and births, deaths and reunions. She'd told him mostly the good, and had skated over the bad.

The good rarely lasted as long as they should have, that was often the problem, and with what he'd done he'd probably outlive everyone who mattered to him. If the good died young, those who had tortured, stranded, stolen and killed probably lived forever. That was the stigma he was going to have to live with, the burden he needed to live with. It didn't matter the outcome, did it? If the methods used to reach it were evil?

"It's not your fault Jonathan, you did the right thing." The voice from his side startled him. He hadn't even realised Erika was still awake, they'd fallen into silence and he'd presumed she'd fallen asleep. He looked down to her, and the brightness of her eyes reminded him once again that she didn't carry the damage he did. She tensed the arm that was across his stomach, giving him a light squeeze. "I know what you were thinking."

"How did you know?" He asked, she had always known him too well, as long as they'd known each other she'd had an insight no other had. Once upon a time he had found it concerning, now he found it endearing.

"I've known you a long time, and I know your tells." He nodded at her and tried to believe her. Tried to believe it wasn't his fault, he returned her squeeze, lapsing again into silence. He knew logically that she was right, that he wasn't completely at fault, but he didn't believe it. Emotionally it was still all his fault. Erika squeezed him again, and he looked down to her, again certain that she was there in his mind, but he wouldn't stop her, this was what he needed, and he knew she wouldn't let him go on blaming himself. 


	19. Prompt 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one set in "Home"

**“I see you again, it cuts me up inside, and the person I share that with is me. You don't know me anymore, so don't come down here with your great new life and expect me to do things your way.” _Angel ‘Angel'_**

"I'm just trying to get away from you."

He couldn't look at her, not really, because every time he did he was crushed by the pain and guilt and every other emotion that he'd been struggling with for the last several days, the last several months.

She didn't have any reason to hurt the way he did, she didn't have any reason to feel the way he did. Maybe he was being too harsh by wanting her to just leave him alone, she was only trying to help him get over it.

That didn't make him feel any better though. He needed to stop, he needed to just let go, but he couldn't, not yet. He needed to keep it to himself because telling her would make it all too real.

But didn't she need to know, she deserved to know.

"I look at you, and I see the person I was three years ago."


	20. Prompt 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm fairly sure this is my "Home" month beginning. So just assume they are "Home" unless I say otherwise.

**“Sometimes you roll the dice on people. That's what we did, all of us, when we signed on this journey. You take what you get. There are too many ways to die out here and the one thing we can't do is kill each other. We're all we have.” _John Roxton ‘The Lost World’_**

"There has been a lot said and done the last few months, we've gone through a lot. Every single one of us lost something in the Expanse. Parts of ourselves that we may never be able to get back. But the important thing is that we're alive, and that we've made it back. We saved Earth not once but twice, and we also saved ourselves. As you return to your families for your relief leave remember that, you're a hero in their eyes, in the eyes of the planet. You helped save Earth, and that's important." He paused for a second and looked out over the gathered crew, all were there to listen to him speak about the mission they were returning from. This speech was so much easier to give than the one he would be required to give when they returned to Earth, when his crew would be thrown into the limelight that none of them had really wanted, but they had known it would come with the job.

"The one thing that we can't forget are the people we lost. The friends and colleagues who didn't make it back to Earth with us. Those whose bodies are even now being returned to their families. There are enough ways for us to die out there, but we held on to ourselves and that made us stronger, made things work better for us and for all those we served with. All we have are the people on this ship, and our friends and colleagues back at Starfleet. In the next few months the spaceways will be graced with another great ship, and she'll be our back-up. Between us we will have to depend on one another, we are, quite literally, the only ones out there from Earth." He stopped again, aware that he was beginning to ramble, and that rarely ended well for anyone. He thought briefly about how he wanted to end, how he wanted this speech to be remembered by his crew, and the words seemed to fall from his lips with no conscious thought.

"When we signed onto this mission we knew that we might not make it back, and that was something we all accepted. Starfleet and MACO alike. We knew that this wasn't going to be easy. You all took a chance on me, and trusted me to bring you home. I failed for 27 members of this crew. But their sacrifice will never be forgotten, and the months of your life you gave to this mission will never be forgotten either. We have secured a place in history. Now it's time to rest, to recuperate, and in a few weeks we will return to our mission, our real mission, the final frontier needs explorers, and it has us." He smiled at the last, stepping back a little to enjoy the moment as his crew all separated out, getting ready for their goodbyes and their returns to the families who had waited for them.


	21. Prompt 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one set during "Home"

**“To lose is to win, and he who wins shall lose.” _The First Doctor, Doctor Who_**

The head in front of him lifted up and fixed him with a bleary but steady look. "Winning and losing, it's subjective, isn't it?"

"What do you mean?" Jon asked, wondering exactly how much of the bottle Trip had managed to get through while they'd been watching the game.

"Do we ever really win anything."

"I'm not following, Trip."

"We come back here, and we're the heroes, and we disappear off each on our own for two weeks, you do whatever you did here, I went to Vulcan and did my thing. When we left you looked like a kicked puppy, now you're more cheerful than I've seen you in months, and me-" Trip took another drink from his almost empty glass before continuing. "I'm more miserable than I was before we got home."

"And your point is."

"You thought you'd lost everything, but whatever you did has convinced you that there is something good. I'm the opposite. So maybe, there are no winners or losers, only people."

"I think it's time I cut you off. Existential discussions at 4am are not my forte." He shook his head, standing up and helping Trip to his feet, there was a point in every night that required a firm had to say that it was bedtime.

"Not mine either."

"Go to bed, Trip. That's an order." He watched as the engineer grumbled only slightly while leaving the room, and Jon sat back for a moment, thinking about what Trip had said. The worrying thing was that the rather drunk engineer had had a point. Winning and losing often did go hand in hand, and not always in that order.


	22. Prompt 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again. "Home"

**“Scars show us where we've been, they do not dictate where we're going” _David Rossi ‘Criminal Minds_**

She just watched him and wondered what it would take to actually help him. She wasn't so convinced that he had changed as much as he seemed to think he had. She could still see the man she had fallen in love with all those years earlier. He could see the negative and nothing else, but she could still see all the good he had done, and would do in the future.

"Jonathan, go to sleep." She said, listening to him pace along the mountain. It wasn't all that surprising really, she knew that he was trying to get it all out, trying to forget what had happened to him in the expanse.

"I can't settle, I keep thinking about all the things that I did, that I tried to do. Everything that I couldn't do or save while there." She reached out and pulled him down beside her, hoping that would be enough to at least distract him, even if it was only for a few minutes.

"You can't let the decisions you made in the past dictate what you do now, you have made the right decisions and that's what matters. You and Enterprise saved Earth, and that was it, that was what you went there to do. Don't always focus on the negative aspects of the mission."

"Erika, how do you stay so positive?" He asked, looking so confused and innocent with the question. She stopped and let him wrap his arms around her as she thought about the answer to his question, she wondered if he would accept the only answer she could come up with.

"Because of you, and my father, and everyone else who has made an impact on my life for the better."

"I'm not someone you should look up too, Rike."

"Maybe not, but you're the man I've been in love with fo 15 years, who always cheers me up when I need it." She looked back at him, smiling as he leant forward to kiss her gently. All she could think about now was how their climbing trip would be over in a day or so. She wasn't ready for it to end, she wasn't ready to have to let him go again, more than that, she didn't want to let him go again. "I know we said we were going to leave it, leave us, on this mountain, but I don't want too. I have loved you for so long, and I left you once before. I don't want to be without you again. I know that sounds more than a little pathetic, but I'm old enough to know that that isn't important. I want to keep hold of what we have, Jonathan, because it's important."

"I know." Were the only words he needed to say for her to be sure he knew what he was agreeing too. As he wrapped her tighter she thought about his scars, but she could handle them, and they could turn a new page.


	23. Prompt 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Home"

**“No, it isn't after the kind of ordeal you went through, happy is wrong, this is how you're supposed to feel, your brains all jumbled up trying to sort things out, try to roll with it, let it do what it needs to do, just let it flow like a river.” _Marshall Mann ‘In Plain Sight’_**

He could tell that he had been pushing her all day. Maybe pushing her just a little too far. Questioning everything she said, countering or denying every positive remark or comment about how he'd done the best he could. Arguing every point to the point he could see her frustration beginning to peak through, right up until she'd announced that he was being an ass and she was going to sleep. He still had one question to ask her, before she probably ignored him for the rest of the trip. "Why are you trying to cheer me up?"

"I'm not trying to cheer you up, I'm trying to make you see that it's not as bad as you make it out to be. You and your crew experienced awful things, horrific things, and you're not supposed to forget that, but you do need to just move along and let it go, otherwise it will take you down with it, and you'll end up burnt out, a loudmouth drinking in a bar somewhere telling everyone that you were once someone important." He hadn't seen her this passionate about something in a long time. He hadn't seen her try to push him in even longer. She was so stubborn, and her thoughts were so different to his, but suddenly things made a little more sense. She pulled her sleeping mat out of her backpack and looked over at him through the darkness between them. "I don't care if you're never happy again, Jon. You would have the right after all you've been through, just please, don't give up hope that there is something better out there." With that, she pulled her sleeping bag to her chin and turned away from him.

He sat in a stunned silence, mulling over her words. She was right, of course, that he probably would end up that way if he let this depression or melancholy take him over. Hope, how could he hope for anything when the negative forces seemed so completely overwhelming. Even as he slid into his own sleeping back his thoughts were on the things she'd yelled at him. Maybe he couldn't hope for the best, not just yet, but he could let the situation flow from beginning to end. 


	24. Prompt 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trip POV end of S2

**“No, it isn't after the kind of ordeal you went through, happy is wrong, this is how you're supposed to feel, your brains all jumbled up trying to sort things out, try to roll with it, let it do what it needs to do, just let it flow like a river.” _Marshall Mann ‘In Plain Sight’_**

There was nowhere he could go to escape the feelings, the crushing dread and anger, the despondency and depression, the mood swings and exhaustion and every other emotion he had felt in the last few weeks.

Seeing that mark of destruction, kilometres long, kilometres wide... It was like the final nail in the coffin for him. He had known since news of the attack reached Enterprise that his sister hadn't made it out of their town before the weapon had come. He didn't know how he'd known it, he just had.

Everyone had gone out of their way to pass on condolences. Elizabeth had given the whole crew a connection to the tragedy, and they had all gathered a few weeks earlier, on the trip back, to have an impromptu memorial for those who were lost. He hadn't gone. He hadn't wanted to face any more pain.


	25. Prompt 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and back to "Home"

**“I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could, but because after 20 years when things go badly you still take it this hard. I gotta tell you, that’s the kind of person I want to be.” _J.D. ‘Scrubs’_**

She'd spent enough time with him over the two weeks Enterprise had remained on Earth to know exactly what his issues were. It didn't matter to him that the good thing had been accomplished, that he had done the right things and had completed his mission. All that he could see were the losses, and the failures he hadn't managed to stop.

Tonight she was just laid next to him, stroking his chest and studying him as he thought. She didn't know what was going on in his mind, she didn't know where his thoughts had taken him. All she knew was that as they laid there in the darkness, they were both absorbed in their own thoughts. They hadn't had the chance to just lay together in silence and contemplate what was happening in their lives, in their careers. In the 4 years since they had broken up, she had missed the guidance he could give her without saying a word. His presence was sometimes enough.

"I'm proud of you." She muttered, still keeping her eyes on him. He turned his head towards her, not moving a single other muscle until their eyes had met again, at which point he lifted his hand and threaded his fingers through hers. "I'm proud that even after everything that you've seen, everything that you've done, you don't pretend that it hasn't affected you." She didn't know what was driving her to tell him, and for the first time since his return from the Expanse he didn't argue with her, and he didn't tell her to stop. He just listened. "It is part of you, and you let it teach you. That's the kind of Captain I want to be. I want to still look back, years down the line, and know that even if I didn't make the best decision, I made the right choice." She watched as he gently bit his lip, her words clearly affecting him in a way she hadn't expected. 

"Just promise me, Rike, that whatever happens, you won't let those decisions take over your life." His request seemed to be simple, but she could tell that he knew it wasn't. He was still trying to protect her, still trying to let her know that it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies. She knew that, but she also knew that she had an advantage. She had someone she could fall back on when she needed.

"I will, if you will." She smiled a little as his hand squeezed hers. His miniscule nod was enough to give her the hope that he was going to be OK, he was going to get through it all, and even with the issues that had reared their head, he would fight them, and the unspoken promise was there. She was always there, no matter what. If he needed her, she was just a call away, and she knew the reverse was true. That was how they were, and she was proud of that.


	26. Prompt 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again. "Home"

**“How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life.” _James Kirk ‘Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan’_**

Maybe he wasn't as equipped to deal with what had happened as he'd once believed. That was the only explanation, wasn't it.  He had been pissed with Soval before but never been quite so in his face about it. He'd disagreed with Forrest before but never come quite so close to insubordination.

He'd had issues with Erika before, but never came so close to wishing she hadn't been in his life.

That was the trigger. That was the thing that made it clear to him that maybe he did have an issue. Maybe he wasn't coping with the losses he'd made in the Expanse, or the pain he felt whenever he thought about the crew who didn't make it home.

Survivor guilt, he knew that's what it was, but knowing that wasn't actually going to change anything, and it wasn't going to make anything he did better. It wasn't going to change the outcome. He had to start learning to deal with the deaths he hadn't been able to prevent, along with the countless lives he'd saved.

He needed to stop thinking of everything as being his fault, because so much of it wasn't. He needed to let go and start living again. Maybe that was the next challenge.


	27. Prompt 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is set around 2166

**“Yeah, well. That’s kind of a human thing. We tend to be afraid of things we don’t know.” _Jack O’Neill ‘Stargate SG-1’_ **

He had gotten far too used to his seven year old hiding away from everything. As the animal was placed on the table in front of her she hid behind him, even as their younger child sat forward on his mother's lap and patted it. "Daddy what is it?"

"It's a type of lizard, Rena. It won't hurt you." He pulled her from behind him and settled her on his lap, making sure the she could still reach everything she needed.

After she stared at the dragon-esque lizard for a minute more she buried her head in his neck and muttered, "I don't like it."

"Why not."

"It looks scary"

"It's not scary, look, HC is stroking it and it's not hurting him."

"I don't like it, can you ask it to go away please?" Serena's tears continued, and Jon shot an exasperated look at his wife before he picked the lizard off the table and returned it to the keeper who was handing them out to the families gathered around to see the animals. He turned back round to see Erika holding Serena in a tight hug, and he thought about Serena's reaction again. Maybe to him it was only a lizard, but to her it could have been a monster. She didn't know what it was, and human nature had her being afraid of it. In the future he was sure she'd hold that lizard, but for now he would let her cry, but at least she'd know for next time.


	28. Prompt 26 pt II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and another "Home"

**“Yeah, well. That’s kind of a human thing. We tend to be afraid of things we don’t know.” _Jack O’Neill ‘Stargate SG-1’_ **

"Have you ever been so afraid of something that you knew didn't matter, not really, but you can't stop yourself being terrified." He said suddenly, not even realising he'd spoken aloud at first.

"What are you talking about?"

"We've been on Earth two weeks, and I've managed to get myself in a position I've not been in for years."

"You saw Captain Hernandez, didn't you?" Trip just stared at him for a moment before almost laughing.

"How the hell did you know that?"

"Because the last time you fell over your words this much was last year after you called her and you told her you were still in love with her. I'd say you have nothing to be afraid of." Trip was clearly not as worried about his revelations and confusions as Jon himself was. He knew that Trip had his own heavy stuff to talk about, but the engineer had so far remained rather quiet on the subject of T'Pol's marriage. Leaving Jon with ample opportunity to think and speak.

"It's the unknown though, isn't it? How can I not be terrified by the fact that I might still have a chance with her, but Starfleet comes first?"

"You're an idiot."

"Be careful, Commander."

"You don't get to pull that one on me when you're talking about your personal life." Trip shook his head with a smile, then leant back and went to focusing on the game again. 


	29. Prompt 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yet another "Home"

**"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me." _Harry Potter, 'Prisoner of Azkaban'_**

"How do you get yourself in these situations." He smiled, passing her another one of the heat packs from the first aid kit they'd brought with them. All she'd needed to do was get the bags, and she'd managed to turn her ankle over. A few days ago he'd probably have found himself annoyed by it, but now he just remembered that it was one of her particular quirks.

"Because-" She trailed off, trying to think of an appropriate reason, when it got to the point she realised she couldn't think of one she just turned to him and smiled. "Because shut up. That's why."

"You have an uncanny ability to find injury." She grimaced and looked up at him, he knelt down and slid his hand over hers around her ankle, trying not to laugh at the hiss of pain she let out as he did. Maybe he was being a little bit sadistic?

She shook her head a moment later, clearly making the decision to ignore the pain. "It generally finds me. That's at least half the problem."

"What's the other half?"

"My stubbornness at having to call you in to help every time."

"I can't argue with that." He grinned, kissing the scrape that was on the knee in front of him before shaking his head again. Maybe everything would be better if she wasn't so stubborn, but there wouldn't be any fun in it.


	30. Prompt 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Do I need to tell you the episode? Again?

**“Nothing worth having comes easy” _Dr Kelso, 'Scrubs'_**

Home. They were home. He was home. But was it really that simple? Had they really done all of that and managed to return to this point.

Not that it had been easy, emotionally, physically, it had been the opposite of easy. But now that it was over, he couldn't help but think like it wasn't over.

Now the hard part was, surely, moving on from everything that had happened. The debriefing, taking some leave, visiting his mother. All the other things he should really do now he was home, rather than spend the next few weeks wallowing in self-pity and despair.

He had saved Earth, and that was worth him having a few sleepless nights.


End file.
